The Idiot

XII

“I won­der what it costs to run a flat?” said the Id­iot, stir­ring his cof­fee with the salt-​spoon--a pro­ceed­ing which seemed to in­di­cate that he was think­ing of some­thing else.

“Don't you keep an ex­pense ac­count?” asked the Bib­lio­ma­ni­ac, sly­ly.

“Hee-​hee!” laughed Mrs. Ped­agog.

“First-​rate joke,” said the Id­iot, with a smile. “But re­al­ly, now, I should like to know for how lit­tle an apart­ment could be run. I am in­ter­est­ed.”

Mrs. Ped­agog stopped laugh­ing at once. The Id­iot's words were omi­nous. She did not al­ways like his views, but she did like his mon­ey, and she was not at all anx­ious to lose him as a board­er.

“It's very ex­pen­sive,” she said, firm­ly. “I shouldn't ev­er ad­vise any one to un­der­take liv­ing in a flat. Rents are high. Butch­er bills are enor­mous, be­cause the butch­ers have to pay com­mis­sions, not on­ly to the cook, so that she'll use twice as much lard as she can, and give away three or four times as much to the poor as she ought, but jan­itors have to be seen to, and el­eva­tor-​boys, and all that. Gro­ceries come high for the same rea­son. Oh, no! Flat life isn't the life for any­body, I say. Give me a good, first-​class board­ing-​house. Am I not right, John?”

[Il­lus­tra­tion: “JAN­ITORS HAVE TO BE SEEN TO”]

“Yes, in­deed,” said Mr. Ped­agog. “Ev­ery time. I lived in a flat once, and it was an aw­ful nui­sance. Above me lived a danc­ing-​mas­ter who gave lessons at ev­ery hour of the day in the room di­rect­ly over my study, so that I was al­ways be­ing dis­turbed at my work, while be­low me was a mu­sic-​teach­er who was prac­tis­ing all night, so that I could hard­ly sleep. Worst of all, on the same floor with me was a mis­er­able per­son of con­vivial ten­den­cies, who al­ways mis­took my door for his when he came home af­ter mid­night, and who gave some quite es­timable peo­ple two floors be­low to be­lieve that it was I, and not he, who sang com­ic songs be­tween three and four o'clock in the morn­ing. There has not been too much love lost be­tween the Id­iot and my­self, but I can­not be so vin­dic­tive as to rec­om­mend him to live in a flat.”

“I can bear tes­ti­mo­ny to the same ef­fect,” put in Mr. Brief, who was two weeks in ar­rears, and anx­ious to con­cil­iate his land­la­dy.

“Tes­ti­mo­ny to the ef­fect that Mr. Ped­agog sang com­ic songs in the ear­ly morn­ing?” said the Id­iot. “Non­sense! I don't be­lieve it. I have lived in this house for two years with Mr. Ped­agog, and I've nev­er heard him raise his voice in song yet.”

“I didn't mean any­thing of the sort,” re­tort­ed Mr. Brief. “You know I didn't.”

“Don't apol­ogize to me,” said the Id­iot. “Apol­ogize to Mr. Ped­agog. He is the man you have wronged.”

“What did he say?” put in Mr. Ped­agog, with a stern look at Mr. Brief. “I didn't hear what he said.”

“I didn't say any­thing,” said the lawyer, “ex­cept that I could bear tes­ti­mo­ny to the ef­fect that your ex­pe­ri­ence with flat life was sim­ilar to mine. This young per­son, with his cus­tom­ary nerve, tries to make it ap­pear that I said you sang com­ic songs in the ear­ly morn­ing.”

“I try to do noth­ing of the sort,” said the Id­iot. “I sim­ply ex­pressed my be­lief that in spite of what you said Mr. Ped­agog was in­no­cent, and I do so be­cause my ex­pe­ri­ence with him has taught me that he is not the kind of man who would do that sort of thing. He has nei­ther time, voice, nor in­cli­na­tion. He has an ear--two of them, in fact--and an im­pres­sion­able mind, but--”

“Oh, tutt!” in­ter­rupt­ed the School-​Mas­ter. “When I need a de­fend­er, you may spare your­self the trou­ble of fly­ing to my res­cue.”

“I know I _may_,” said the Id­iot, “but with me it's a ques­tion of can and can't. I'm will­ing to at­tack you per­son­al­ly, but while I live no oth­er shall do so. Where­fore I tell Mr. Brief plain­ly, and to his face, that if he says you ev­er sang a com­ic song he says what is not so. You might hum one, but sing it--nev­er!”

“We were talk­ing of flats, I be­lieve,” said Mr. White­chok­er.

“Yes,” said the Id­iot, “and these per­sons have changed it from flat talk to sharp talk.”

“Well, any­how,” put in Mr. Brief, “I lived in a flat once, and it was any­thing but pleas­ant. I lost a case once for the sim­ple and on­ly rea­son that I lived in a flat. It was a case that re­quired a great deal of strat­egy on my part, and I in­vit­ed my client to my home to un­fold my plan of ac­tion. I got in­ter­est­ed in the scheme as I un­fold­ed it, and spoke in my usu­al im­pas­sioned man­ner, as though ad­dress­ing a ju­ry, and, would you be­lieve it, the op­pos­ing coun­sel hap­pened to be vis­it­ing a friend on the next floor, and my elo­quence float­ed up through the air-​shaft, and gave our whole plan of ac­tion away. We were rout­ed on the point we had sup­posed would pierce the en­emy's ar­mor and lay him at our feet, for the whol­ly sim­ple rea­son that that abom­inable air-​shaft had made my strate­gic move a mat­ter of pub­lic knowl­edge.”

[Il­lus­tra­tion: “MY ELO­QUENCE FLOAT­ED UP THE AIR-​SHAFT”]

“That's a good idea for a play,” said the Id­iot. “A roar­ing farce could be built up on that ba­sis. Vil­lain and ac­com­plice on one floor, in­no­cent vic­tim on floor above. Plot floats up air-​shaft. In­no­cent vic­tim over­hears; vil­lain and ac­com­plice say 'ha ha' for three acts and take a back seat in the fourth, with a grand trans­for­ma­tion show­ing the con­spir­ators in the coun­ty jail as a fi­nale. Write it up with lots of live-​stock wan­der­ing in and out, bring in jan­itors and el­eva­tor-​boys and butch­ers, show up some of the hu­mors of flat life, if there be any such, call it _A Hole in the Flat_, and put it on the stage. Nine hun­dred nights is the very short­est run it could have, which at fifty dol­lars a night for the au­thor is $45,000 in good hard dol­lars. Mr. Po­et, the idea is yours for a fiv­er. Say the word.”

“Thanks,” said the Po­et, with a smile; “I'm not a drama­tist.”

“Then I'll have to do it my­self,” said the Id­iot. “And if I do, good-​bye Shake­speare.”

“That's so,” said Mr. Ped­agog. “Noth­ing could more ef­fec­tu­al­ly ru­in the dra­mat­ic art than to have you write a play. Peo­ple, see­ing your work, would say, here, this will nev­er do. The stage must be dis­cour­aged at all costs. A hyp­ocrite throws the min­istry in­to dis­grace, an ig­no­ra­mus brings shame up­on ed­uca­tion, and an un­pop­ular lawyer gives the bar a bad name. I think you are just the man to ru­in Shake­speare.”

“Then I'll give up my am­bi­tion to be­come a play­wright and stick to id­io­cy,” said the Id­iot. “But to come back to flats. Your feel­ing in re­gard to them is en­tire­ly dif­fer­ent from that of a friend of mine, who has lived in one for ten years. He thinks flat life is ide­al. His chil­dren can't fall down-​stairs, be­cause there aren't any stairs to fall down. His roof nev­er leaks, be­cause he hasn't any roof to leak; and when he and his fam­ily want to go off any­where, all he has to do is to lock his front door and go. Bur­glars nev­er climb in­to his front win­dow, be­cause they are all eight flights up. Damp cel­lars don't trou­ble him, be­cause they are too far down to do him any in­jury, even if they over­flow. The cares of house-​keep­ing are re­duced to a min­imum. His cook doesn't spend all her time in the front area flirt­ing with the post­man, be­cause there isn't any front area to his flat; and in a so­cial way his wife is most de­light­ful­ly sit­uat­ed, be­cause most of her friends live in the same build­ing, and in­stead of hav­ing to hire a car­riage to go call­ing in, all she has to do is to take the el­eva­tor and go from one floor to an­oth­er. If he pines for a change of scene, he is high enough up in the air to get it by look­ing out of his win­dows, over the tops of oth­er build­ings, in­to the green fields to the north, or look­ing west­ward in­to the State of New Jer­sey. In­stead of tak­ing a drive through the Park, or a walk, all he and his wife need to do is to take a tele­scope and fol­low some lit­tle syl­van path with their eyes. Then, as for ex­pense, he finds that he saves mon­ey by means of a co-​op­er­ative scheme. For in­stance, if he wants shad for din­ner, and he and his wife can­not eat a whole one, he goes shares on the shad and its cost with his neigh­bors above and be­low.”

“Yes, and his neigh­bors above and be­low bor­row tea and eggs and but­ter and ice and oth­er things when­ev­er they run short, so that in that way he los­es all he saves,” said Mr. Ped­agog, re­solved not to give in.

“He does if he isn't smart,” said the Id­iot. “I thought of that my­self, and asked him about it, and he told me that he kept ac­count of all that, and al­ways made it a point af­ter some neigh­bor had bor­rowed two pounds of but­ter from him to send in be­fore the week was over and bor­row three pounds of but­ter from the neigh­bor. So far his books show that he is six­teen pounds of but­ter, sev­en pounds of tea, one bot­tle of vanil­la ex­tract, and a ton of ice ahead of the whole house. He is six eggs and a box of match­es be­hind in his egg and match ac­count, but un­der the cir­cum­stances I think he can af­ford it.”

“But,” said Mrs. Ped­agog, anx­ious to know the worst, “why--er--why are you so in­ter­est­ed?”

“Well,” said the Id­iot, slow­ly, “I--er--I am con­tem­plat­ing a change, Mrs. Ped­agog--a change that would fill me--I say it sin­cere­ly, too--with re­gret if--” The Id­iot paused a minute, and his eye swept fond­ly about the ta­ble. His voice was get­ting a lit­tle husky too, Mr. White­chok­er no­ticed. “It would fill me with re­gret, I say, if it were not that in tak­ing up house-​keep­ing I am--I am to have the as­sis­tance of a bet­ter-​half.”

“What??” cried the Bib­lio­ma­ni­ac. “You? You are go­ing to be--to be mar­ried?”

“Why not?” said the Id­iot. “Im­ita­tion is the sin­cer­est flat­tery. Mr. Ped­agog mar­ries, and I am go­ing to flat­ter him as sin­cere­ly as I can by fol­low­ing in his foot­steps.”

“May I--may we ask to whom?” asked Mrs. Ped­agog, soft­ly.

“Cer­tain­ly,” said the Id­iot. “To Mr. Bar­low's daugh­ter. Mr. Bar­low is--or was--my em­ploy­er.”

“Was? Is he not now? Are you go­ing out of busi­ness?” asked Mr. Ped­agog.

“No; but, you see, when I went to see Mr. Bar­low in the mat­ter, he told me that he liked me very much, and he had no doubt I would make a good hus­band for his daugh­ter, but, af­ter all, he added that I was noth­ing but a con­fi­den­tial clerk on a small salary, and he thought his daugh­ter could do bet­ter.”

“She couldn't find a bet­ter fel­low, Mr. Id­iot,” said Mrs. Ped­agog, and Mr. Ped­agog rose to the oc­ca­sion by nod­ding his en­tire ac­qui­es­cence in the state­ment.

“Thank you very much,” said the Id­iot. “That was pre­cise­ly what I told Mr. Bar­low, and I sug­gest­ed a scheme to him by which his sole ob­jec­tion could be got around.”

“You would start in busi­ness for your­self?” said Mr. White­chok­er.

“In a sense, yes,” said the Id­iot. “On­ly the way I put it was that a good con­fi­den­tial clerk would make a good part­ner for him, and he, af­ter think­ing it over, thought I was right.”

“It cer­tain­ly was a char­ac­ter­is­ti­cal­ly nov­el way out of the dilem­ma,” said Mr. Brief, with a smile.

“I thought so my­self, and so did he, so it was all ar­ranged. On the 1st of next month I en­ter the firm, and on the 15th I am--ah--to be mar­ried.”

The com­pa­ny warm­ly con­grat­ulat­ed the Id­iot up­on his good-​for­tune, and he short­ly left the room, more over­come by their fe­lic­ita­tions than he had been by their ar­gu­ments in the past.

The few days left passed quick­ly by, and there came a break­fast at Mrs. Ped­agog's house that was a mix­ture of joy and sad­ness--joy for his hap­pi­ness, sad­ness that that ta­ble should know the Id­iot no more.

Among the wed­ding-​gifts was a hand­some­ly bound se­ries of vol­umes, in­clud­ing a cy­clopæ­dia, a dic­tio­nary, and a lit­tle tome of po­ems, the first out­put of the Po­et. These came to­geth­er, with a card in­scribed, “From your Friends of the Break­fast Ta­ble,” of whom the Id­iot said, when Mrs. Id­iot asked for in­for­ma­tion:

“They, my dear, next to your­self and my par­ents, are the dear­est friends I ev­er had. We must have them up to break­fast some morn­ing.”

“Break­fast?” queried Mrs. Id­iot.

“Yes, my dear,” he replied, sim­ply. “I should be afraid to meet them at any oth­er meal. I am al­ways at my best at break­fast, and they--well, they nev­er are.”

THE END

* * * * *

BY JOHN KENDRICK BANGS

Mr. Bona­parte of Cor­si­ca.

Mr. Bangs is prob­ably the gen­er­ator of more hearty, health­ful, pure­ly good-​hu­mored laughs than any oth­er half-​dozen men of our coun­try to-​day.--_In­te­ri­or_, Chica­go.

The Id­iot.

“The Id­iot,” con­tin­ues to be as amus­ing and as tri­umphant­ly bright in the vol­ume called af­ter his name as in “Cof­fee and Repar­tee.”--_Evan­ge­list_, N. Y.

The Wa­ter Ghost, and Oth­ers.

The fun­ny side of the ghost genre is brought out with orig­inal­ity, and, con­sid­er­ing the mor­bid­ity that sur­rounds the sub­ject, it is a whole­some thing to of­fer the pub­lic a se­ries of tales let­ting in the sun­light of laugh­ter.--_Hart­ford Courant_.

Three Weeks in Pol­itics.

The fun­ny sto­ry is most graph­ical­ly told, and he who can read this nar­ra­tive of a cam­paign­er's tri­als with­out laugh­ing must be a sto­ic in­deed.--_Philadel­phia Bul­letin_.

Cof­fee and Repar­tee.

Is de­light­ful­ly free from con­ven­tion­al­ity; is breezy, wit­ty, and pos­sessed of an orig­inal­ity both ge­nial and re­fresh­ing.--_Sat­ur­day Evening Gazette_, Boston.

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